bonjour brightside

today is chinese new year, according to the lunar calendar. today i said goodbye, over the phone, to my grandmother, who passed away after a long fight with liver disease. my mother told me that this was perhaps the saddest and happiest chinese new year we’ve ever had. she told me not to cry because everyone was at my grandmother’s bedside ushering in the new year with her. it was what my grandmother wanted. she was so happy seeing everyone that she cried tears of joy.

this is the fourth chinese new year that ive had to spend away from home. ordinarily, i would have just sucked it up because my family is in my heart, and it’s not that big a deal…. only this time i think it is, because i didn’t get to see my grandmother, i wanted to hold her hand and tell her that i love her. i want to be there for my father because i can’t imagine how excruciating it must be to watch his mother go. my heart is broken but i know my grandma would want me to smile for her. i miss you mama! i miss you very much, rest in peace.